I am Here.

 'I want to grow. I want to be better. You Grow. We all grow. We're made to grow. You either evolve or you disappear" - Tupac Shakur. Rest in Power.


I cannot think of a more stressful time in my life than January 2018. I never knew what depression or anxiety really felt like until I laid in my bed for a whole day. Wishing situations could be different. I was terrified of the future, daydreaming about the past and shut out the present.

My life has seem to calm down now. Not completely more than what was.

I lived another day.

Cheers.

January 2018

If you would have told me I would be in the same situation back in 2014, early 2015. I would either be in shock or laugh. Probably laugh. Except, things are different now. The man, who is still the same man is with another woman and does not love me anymore. I live in North Carolina, almost thousand miles away from anyone I truly love. I am broke, negative in my bank account and down to my savings. Did I mention I got fired? That was definitely a first. I haven't had the desire to exercise, properly eat or clean my room. What did I do? What am I doing?

I don't remember struggling so much back home. In the comfort of my parents loving and open arms. With a jobs (wow, plural) I loved. My family, best friends and family pet! What did I do? What am I trying to do? I feel extremely broken, stressed and nervous. I want my life back. I want that life back but that doesn't exist here. This life I had envisioned prior has completely shattered right in front of me. I can think of a million reasons to give up. At what point do you call it quits, arms up in the air in defeat and just call it? I am struggling to know when I reach that point.

I cannot even eat properly because of this inside me. I forgot to mention, that unlike the earlier years of this situation which was brought on by intense love - was brought by lust. Desire. The kind that makes you cringe in disgust from the selfishness of it. I never want you to know that. You don't deserve too. I don't want him and I know you would. He and his narcissistic ways, you wouldn't understand until you're at my age I am at currently. You're a weight holding me back. You don't deserve this shit I am going through nor were you meant for it to begin with. This is my journey. In a way, this is where - he, the devil and I dance in unison. My selfishness. I am hypocrite by my own words and am too embarrassed to let anyone know to justify myself. I am sorry. I am sorry to myself, first and foremost. I know better. He is the weakness, I could never shake off unless I just leave. And I did. For two years after the fact of dating, I endured love - or so I thought? I was belittled. Felt small, unworthy, gave it my all only to be criticized by small, passive aggressive comments I managed to brush away until they began piling on. Wasn't what I was doing enough? Paying for you, feeding you, cleaning for you. Was I your lover or maid? I loved you so much. I could overlook this, right? I could. So many other couples do and they're happy, I mean did you see their pictures in Italy? I just could not shake off the justification that I would be with this man who I loved for two more years. Five. Thirty. I want to love others and he didn't deserve it in the end. My love, I mean. All the heated arguments, sure. Fast forward, presently. Now. We have fully reached different crossroads. Almost five years later. Though, dreadful and excruciating at times, our love for each other was alive, living between us every time we talked, laughed and our gazes caught. What if? I don't know but its over. Officially. Five years later. I can breath.. but you. This is why. I hope you understand. It's time for a new chapter for all us. That's what makes alike, your father and I. Our selfishness.

"Can You Spot the Cardinal?"

I would watch as my Father would gather his materials, slowly taking his time. Even though he only packed just two things. Each item of its own importance. Thick, black binoculars which hung loosely around his neck. Ancient and heavy as they were old. Passed down from his father, presently to him and eventually, future me. "North America Birding", read the title of his go-to book. Folded, cracked, bent but delicately handled. His own recollection on what we would spot that day, would be his notepad.

"Close your eyes," my father would whisper, as a tune escaped from the forest. As I closed my eyes, the melody of the song would flow hand-in-hand with the wind.

Repetitive.

Precise.

As other children my age were taking trips to Disneyland, New York and Canada, here I was in the woods with my father. I never realized how out of place my childhood sounded from the rest of my class until we did sharing time. I suppose I should have been embarrassed but there was none of that. Our clothes were dusted with dirt and mud from hiking. We would exam the formation and creation of birds nests, how ever so slightly they were one of the same - yet different. Identifying the coloration of the eggs which ranged from hues of baby blue to a light grey slate with black speckles. Unknowingly to me, each scouting grew our mutual excitement of seeing nature in motion.

Chimney Swifts, would glide around during twilight or after rain. Mockingbirds would chime for everyone to hear, almost gloating. Vibrant green would be spotted from time to time, followed by a loud crackle with indicated a wild Monk Parrot.

Warblers. Chickadees. Wrens. Hawks. Egrets. Herons. Flycatchers. Cardinals.. Wait.

"Cardinal?" I replied, hesitantly.

A bright red dot began darting back and forth above us. I had never gotten the pairing of bird with their sound before. I grinned, knowing in that moment I was correct. For the first time. I held in my excitement with all the energy I had, cautious, not to ruin the moment. My father, keeping his movement to a minimum, careful not to frighten off the cardinal as it finally perched on a limb, gazing down at us. He turned giving me the first of many goofy, thumbs-ups, he would do when I was correct. He granted his wish of gifting his ability to spot and identify birds to now, present me. I can close my eyes now, wherever I am at outside, blocking out all noise and focus on nothing but the tunes of the birds. 

Sparrows. Crows. Nighthawks. Owls. Painted buntings. Vireo. Falcons. Swallows.

And of course, Cardinals.

Love, from a Distance.

A muffled buzz escapes from under my pillow and suddenly there is a low glow, lighting the darkened room.

Flip of a coin, I know who it is.

Flip of a coin, I am ever lucky.

Flip of a coin, I was right.

How rare, yet - very expected. I hadn't heard from you within a week now. I quickly scrolled through pictures of your new life, girlfriend, house, cat and all to know you were busy living. Living without me. I am always left behind. Though, I shouldn't complain because I, too am guilty of the same action. Questionable is the time. 12:30 am. Had I been back at home and received the same horribly written grammatical text from anyone else I would have not replied but it was you.

You and I danced back and forth in each other lives, one of us will take the lead to waltz on solo. Showcasing our own show with an elegance that is so pure. So5 in awe to feel any emotions of hate, remorse or sadness. I could go months without communication with you. I miss you, immensely. I think you feel the same but we never ask because its better that way.

You see, I am freedom. I can go on with or without you. I am lonely but I am having a great time learning my own rhythm of my steps. Whether I am drinking wine from a glass, the time seemed a bit early but the "HAPPY HOUR, 3-5" sign seemed meant to be. As I chat with the bartender about living in Seattle. To, wandering around the edge of town, just to see the gondolas. Feeling tiny and small, when I realized I was lost. Nowhere to be found. No one knows my name. Surreal. I am lost in Venice.

I think of you - quite often. The one who I love, loved and fell in love with. A feeling with such fluidity, especially when it comes to you. How much you changed me and how much I grew from you. Sections of my heart have kept a reserve with your name, filled with our memories and disappointments.

It is friendship? Is it love? From someone who doesn't want to know because I am freedom. I am lonely. I am learning my own rhythm.

Another buzz ---

Millennial Dating

So, it is day one of no social media. I have gone to the Facebook app at least three times this morning. It is a habit that will lessen with time. It is more annoying than funny after awhile.

I woke up this morning to a bright notification stating, "It's a match!" To my confusion, I guess Tinder still works without Facebook as long as you had already signed in. Yes, I, Emily Cortez am a Tinder user. My profile is nothing that gives my personal self away, the pictures I made sure reflect my hobbies and my Spotify song is "Ffunny Ffiends" by Unknown Mortal Orchestra. Simple and to the point. No cute sayings or funny emojis. I always had my mother tell me I am too pretty for online dating. I think she meant that in her own sweet way. I way over-complication situations, too sensitive, I like my alone time and sometimes I just want to sleep. Did I mention, I am constantly busy? It is the way I am programmed; more robot than human.

Anyways, I went on a date with a guy that thankfully reflected his profile. He was nice and fun. Though, I wasn't initially attracted to him. I think that is such an important quality. Though, not the main quality as I like to still have conversation with a half decent person. I need human touch to be in par with personality. I hadn't felt that connection with anyone like that since July. I had high hopes but in all - I felt like he was little too braggy. I feel as a conversation - especially with someone you have never met before to be fluid and flowing. Back and forth - "What do you do?" .. "Awesome, how did you like it?".. "What would you do different if you could do that over again?" Conversation to me is not at all selfish. I hear what I think about all day, how refreshing it is to listen to others thoughts. To challenge my own. I know, right off the bat if there conversation is all about themselves - it won't work. Though, I like the friendly connection and jeez, this was my first date here in Asheville. What the hell, let's go somewhere else.

We go to a brewery - which I immediately get denied because I don't have my North Carolina license and my Texas one is expired. Ok, plan B is me going home to get my ID and then meeting at this other bar. Frazier's Tavern. Literally walking distance from my apartment. I had a lull moment one night when both my roommate and I were feeling homesick - though she didn't want to go out, I did. The night was unusually dead for a Friday night that even concerned the bartender. I had an amazing heart to heart with the bartender that I ended drinking two margaritas, two beers and shot. Though, older me when she gets drunk wants to go to bed than stay and hammer it out all night. Thus, for one more night reviving my love for Asheville once again.

So, we enter Frazier's Tavern and we talk and have a good time. Men, please do not touch on the first date. I had to say no because I just don't believe in it. Seriously, don't touch me. I am the biggest prude when it comes to that but I don't care. Attractiveness level is at a extreme low from that moment. When we leave, he walks into my apartment to see my bike. Which is fine, he looked at my bike, suggested things, peeked at my record collection in the living room, said hi to our cat Louie. He questioned my where my roommate was and I said, "Out of town." I think he was hoping I would have asked him to stay but I just wasn't feeling it. Plus, a lady's gotta work in the morning. We kissed which wasn't magical or a show of fireworks. Normal. I told him I wasn't really feeling it.

The next day, I sat by myself in the living room. Drinking a beer, playing Chastity Belt on the record player and working on a puzzle. I was content.

What is "Self Care"?

I am always on the go. For me, to just sit and relax is very foreign concept. You - what? Go to the movies? Stay and watch Netflix all night? Go somewhere just to sit? I don't know what that is but I am slowly understanding the positive benefits that relaxing entails. I wish I had figured that out sooner.

A lot of habits got jumbled with my move to North Carolina. I found myself alone. Which is fine. I know what loneliness feels like. I've gone on solo trips and gone cycling out in the middle of nowhere for countless hours. How one is meant to feel empowered rather than belittled. A lot of people cannot do that but I can. I pride myself in it. Though, it is different. When situations got tough I went home to cry to my mother, hung out with my best friends and went cycling weekly. There is none of that here. It is true, I loved it at first. The first couple of weeks, honestly felt like a vacation. Then as the excitement wore off and reality soon set in, I realized this is what it is like to be truly alone. To be an adult woman on her own in a different state almost a thousand miles away with no friends or family for hours. I struggled hard. After the excitement comes sadness. You see everyone you know and love moving on with their lives. Do they miss you? Will they remember you? Who will stay your friend after the drinks and party? Thankfully, my support system stayed strong and though we don't all talk normally everyday the best and true ones are the ones that don't need constant communication. Presently, I feel okay. There was a constant battle within myself to feel okay when I truly wasn't. I even thought about going to therapy again but then I realized;

No, I am okay. I will live. I will survive. I am strong. I am upset/tired/anxious/frustrated/lonely and this will pass.

Recently, I had a friend announce his break from social media. I pondered the idea because I did do that. Very successfully. I even went to Europe, no Facebook whatsoever. How weird, right? The only reason I really returned was to prove to my roommate who I was moving across over multiple states I wasn't a psycho killer was social media. Anyways, I have decided to hop off Facebook again - just for a month and join him in this. Though, as a social experiment I will be writing my days without Facebook. I was obsessed with Facebook when I came to North Carolina, which depressed me even further. I, even felt regret moving out here.

Tying this all together - I was stressed and not taking care of myself because I lost the drive too. I noticed my discouragement in cycling, my enthusiasm to dress up, my lack of personal hygiene, school was stressing me out financially. I literally gave up. I looked at myself the other night. I was shocked. I was completely breaking out, my eye bags look dark, my hair was a mess. My room needed to be cleaned and I needed to do some other miscellaneous tasks which I just ignored and did not do. I don't know this Emily. I don't know who she is but I decided I needed ambitious Emily back and thought once again;

No, I am okay. I will live. I will survive. I am strong. I am upset/tired/anxious/frustrated/lonely and this will pass.

During this social media break - particularly Facebook, I decided to do a whole month turn around for me.

Self love and self care.

I am not worried about finding ambitious Emily, I know she's in there and she's ready to come back.



September 21st, marks the anniversary of telling my abortion story publicly in front of family, friends and dozens of strangers.

Hill County, Texas

I love travelling, I just never got to do it due to the fact I was constantly working every Friday and Saturday at a restaurant. Putting my two weeks notice in and finally got a trip with a another job still intact, I took to Hill County region of Texas. The sights of the gorgeous hills, wildlife and towns of Hill County never get old. We started in San Antonio and moved on up towards Fredericksburg. Beautiful small town with lots of pride of their German heritage.

Highlights through Instagram

Some of the highlights include, San Antonio ghost tour, Fredericksburg county fair, the cottage we stayed at and Enchanted Rock.

Beautiful Mexican dancers artwork I purchased at an estate sale in San Antonio.