What is "Self Care"?

I am always on the go. For me, to just sit and relax is very foreign concept. You - what? Go to the movies? Stay and watch Netflix all night? Go somewhere just to sit? I don't know what that is but I am slowly understanding the positive benefits that relaxing entails. I wish I had figured that out sooner.

A lot of habits got jumbled with my move to North Carolina. I found myself alone. Which is fine. I know what loneliness feels like. I've gone on solo trips and gone cycling out in the middle of nowhere for countless hours. How one is meant to feel empowered rather than belittled. A lot of people cannot do that but I can. I pride myself in it. Though, it is different. When situations got tough I went home to cry to my mother, hung out with my best friends and went cycling weekly. There is none of that here. It is true, I loved it at first. The first couple of weeks, honestly felt like a vacation. Then as the excitement wore off and reality soon set in, I realized this is what it is like to be truly alone. To be an adult woman on her own in a different state almost a thousand miles away with no friends or family for hours. I struggled hard. After the excitement comes sadness. You see everyone you know and love moving on with their lives. Do they miss you? Will they remember you? Who will stay your friend after the drinks and party? Thankfully, my support system stayed strong and though we don't all talk normally everyday the best and true ones are the ones that don't need constant communication. Presently, I feel okay. There was a constant battle within myself to feel okay when I truly wasn't. I even thought about going to therapy again but then I realized;

No, I am okay. I will live. I will survive. I am strong. I am upset/tired/anxious/frustrated/lonely and this will pass.

Recently, I had a friend announce his break from social media. I pondered the idea because I did do that. Very successfully. I even went to Europe, no Facebook whatsoever. How weird, right? The only reason I really returned was to prove to my roommate who I was moving across over multiple states I wasn't a psycho killer was social media. Anyways, I have decided to hop off Facebook again - just for a month and join him in this. Though, as a social experiment I will be writing my days without Facebook. I was obsessed with Facebook when I came to North Carolina, which depressed me even further. I, even felt regret moving out here.

Tying this all together - I was stressed and not taking care of myself because I lost the drive too. I noticed my discouragement in cycling, my enthusiasm to dress up, my lack of personal hygiene, school was stressing me out financially. I literally gave up. I looked at myself the other night. I was shocked. I was completely breaking out, my eye bags look dark, my hair was a mess. My room needed to be cleaned and I needed to do some other miscellaneous tasks which I just ignored and did not do. I don't know this Emily. I don't know who she is but I decided I needed ambitious Emily back and thought once again;

No, I am okay. I will live. I will survive. I am strong. I am upset/tired/anxious/frustrated/lonely and this will pass.

During this social media break - particularly Facebook, I decided to do a whole month turn around for me.

Self love and self care.

I am not worried about finding ambitious Emily, I know she's in there and she's ready to come back.



September 21st, marks the anniversary of telling my abortion story publicly in front of family, friends and dozens of strangers.