January 2018

If you would have told me I would be in the same situation back in 2014, early 2015. I would either be in shock or laugh. Probably laugh. Except, things are different now. The man, who is still the same man is with another woman and does not love me anymore. I live in North Carolina, almost thousand miles away from anyone I truly love. I am broke, negative in my bank account and down to my savings. Did I mention I got fired? That was definitely a first. I haven't had the desire to exercise, properly eat or clean my room. What did I do? What am I doing?

I don't remember struggling so much back home. In the comfort of my parents loving and open arms. With a jobs (wow, plural) I loved. My family, best friends and family pet! What did I do? What am I trying to do? I feel extremely broken, stressed and nervous. I want my life back. I want that life back but that doesn't exist here. This life I had envisioned prior has completely shattered right in front of me. I can think of a million reasons to give up. At what point do you call it quits, arms up in the air in defeat and just call it? I am struggling to know when I reach that point.

I cannot even eat properly because of this inside me. I forgot to mention, that unlike the earlier years of this situation which was brought on by intense love - was brought by lust. Desire. The kind that makes you cringe in disgust from the selfishness of it. I never want you to know that. You don't deserve too. I don't want him and I know you would. He and his narcissistic ways, you wouldn't understand until you're at my age I am at currently. You're a weight holding me back. You don't deserve this shit I am going through nor were you meant for it to begin with. This is my journey. In a way, this is where - he, the devil and I dance in unison. My selfishness. I am hypocrite by my own words and am too embarrassed to let anyone know to justify myself. I am sorry. I am sorry to myself, first and foremost. I know better. He is the weakness, I could never shake off unless I just leave. And I did. For two years after the fact of dating, I endured love - or so I thought? I was belittled. Felt small, unworthy, gave it my all only to be criticized by small, passive aggressive comments I managed to brush away until they began piling on. Wasn't what I was doing enough? Paying for you, feeding you, cleaning for you. Was I your lover or maid? I loved you so much. I could overlook this, right? I could. So many other couples do and they're happy, I mean did you see their pictures in Italy? I just could not shake off the justification that I would be with this man who I loved for two more years. Five. Thirty. I want to love others and he didn't deserve it in the end. My love, I mean. All the heated arguments, sure. Fast forward, presently. Now. We have fully reached different crossroads. Almost five years later. Though, dreadful and excruciating at times, our love for each other was alive, living between us every time we talked, laughed and our gazes caught. What if? I don't know but its over. Officially. Five years later. I can breath.. but you. This is why. I hope you understand. It's time for a new chapter for all us. That's what makes alike, your father and I. Our selfishness.